Part 23. The Closing

A few weeks before we were set to close Ryan we did an overnight close to our new town. We started exploring and trying out local spots, we drove and talked and dreamed of the memories we would make here. As we listened to music the song “Dear August” by Noah Cyrus came on I started to cry.

The line goes

“Dear August, tell me that there’s light

At the end of all this starless night

Dear August, please don’t let me fall

‘Cause I don’t know where this road is headed anymore”

We found our home in August, to this day this song holds such memories of hope and joy and freedom. I cried and cried on that drive back to my parents house listening to that song. I knew at that point I was so close to getting control of our situation and life again. I wanted it so bad, I prayed to no one I believed in to just let this happen to let me have this win. I continued forward with the plans as if nothing could go wrong now.

I knew that once those keys were in my hand I would never again stay at my parents house, so I came up with our plan. I rented a U-Haul big enough to fit EVERYTHING. I was not making second trips, or moving in slowly I was all done waiting. Patience pants long since packed, or burned…I was not going back.

We were set to do our final walkthrough then sign papers. We loaded the U-haul, ready to go to our new house. Plans changed, as the seller didn’t have her movers coming until 10am… the new plan was to sign the papers first, they would not submit them until we did our final walkthrough. This worked out way better in the grand scheme of things, Ryan and I got up early and drove the U-Haul down to the grocery store 10 mins from our new house and locked it up. We then went to sign our papers and meet back to do our walkthrough. There was a solid hour of driving between each of these locations, as nothing was local to our new town. I am again grateful to our realtor for all the trips out to Monson she made for me and this house, not in her regular service area.

Papers were signed and to my surprise I didn’t feel this crazy rush of emotion or anything, just ready to go and get there and move in and get settled. Ryan was surprised at my lack of emotional breakdown during all of this, and I was too. This would definitely be a moment I was likely to breakdown. Weird.

We get to the house to see her still moving out…like there was still a lot of stuff there, and they were there trying to pack and load cars and clean. My realtor was a champion and super clear when she informed the seller we did not want to keep anything she was trying to leave behind “in case we needed it”. By the time they were ready to go there was still a pile of stuff left, we were given our options for holdbacks or delaying etc. but we just wanted our house. If she came back to get it like she said she would great, if not I’ll rent a fucking dumpster I am not delaying this another minute. We agreed and she left, paperwork was submitted and the house was ours.

We were finally home.

I still did not have this total release of emotion I had expected, I was happy and relieved but not what I had expected to feel in this big momentous occasion. I mostly felt kinda tired, but unwilling to rest.

Nevertheless I was going to celebrate.

A gracious family member was very excited to see the house and start helping us get settled, we warned them that things were changed and delayed and that we would let them know when we had the keys. Although I am so grateful for their eagerness to help, they showed up not 20 minutes after we got our keys. Not yet informed we had them.

Had they been but 5 mins sooner they would have received an eye full, as I reinforced my husband, for being so incredible always, with Oral out in the open in our brand new house.

Immediately I felt smothered. I needed air and space, having just escaped the box I was living. I felt I could not be rude, or dismissive because I should be grateful that they wanted to help, especially driving an hour to get here. But I wasn’t ready yet, I hadn’t texted yet. I needed a minute to take in this moment with my little family. Our feet finally firmly in our own dirt. I needed some calm before the chaos.

Thankfully the visit was short and I got to work making this house our home. I am grateful we had that first night alone together, we found $60 in a cabinet ordered some Chinese food and played house into the wee hours. My goal for our first weekend (knowing my time off was incredibly limited) was to have every room cleaned and painted and enough unpacked to live comfortably. I had already chosen and purchased enough paint and supplies to complete the goal. I knew the house would be filled with family coming to see the house and chip in to help out. I am so grateful for their help in getting us settled.

I felt so good here. Like I immediately wasn’t afraid of the dark in the house, even though I expected to be. I wasn’t afraid of the noises the house made or the sounds of the neighborhood. I just was not afraid. Weird.