Part. 15 The Climb.

I can almost seeee it, that dream I'm dreamin’ but there’s a voice inside my head saying you’ll never reach it.” Miley Cyrus

Thankfully for me I did not come up with my seizure theory until much later, that was information I could definitely not handle at that time. But life went on after his initial one, treatment in the beginning is track and record the details. Rowan went back to his “normal” self pretty soon after minus some lethargy.

That worked out well, because Holy Hell the sore throat and fatigue that hit me during covid was unlike anything I could imagine. I am going to say it now and you can fit me on this but Sore throats are the WORST part of any sickness. I can handle the fevers, body aches, congestion, but hit me with a sore throat and I am done for. This was fucking miserable. I got to a point where honey sat next to me with a spoon because it gave me the most relief from the pain. I have never liked honey but it became the lesser of two evils, which was worse this weird texture and taste in my mouth or glass shards?

A teeny, tiny voice in my head spoke up in that minute, sometimes the things we don’t want to do are the things that actually help. That was weird, but I guess that true, at least for this…

I spent two weeks in our room, but a week and a half I was feeling significantly better. I almost had a new lease on life, so grateful to be feeling better and rested. The fatigue did linger for quite some time, I wonder now if it was a lingering of Covid or the damage from my mental state.

I knew I needed to do more to feel less shitty. I started practicing Self Care Fridays. I would spend at least an hour either soaking in a tub, or taking a long shower using all my new “luxury” skin care products I sold a kidney for at Ulta. “Marketing got me” as Ryan would say on the Truly line of scrubs, whipped butters, oils etc. I felt like such a fancy lady using all those things on my skin.

The thing about depression is people often neglect self care routines. For many people this can look differently but commonly not brushing teeth consistently, not showering, neglecting general personal hygiene, it can come across in not wearing clean cloths, or clean living spaces.

For me getting the bare minimum accomplished so I could go through life without too much extra embarrassment meant I NEVER took the time to scrub or lotion my skin, in a rare occasion maybe but I’m taking a couple times a year on a good year? This felt like a luxury, for people that were important and mattered.

I committed to every Friday night, I ensured the bathroom would be free for a while so I could take my time. I used as many products as I had energy for, and did an as “everything” a shower as I could handle. I didn’t make myself feel bad if I didn’t do the routine “perfectly”. That was weird. And really kinda nice. I started looking forward to it, I would get excited for that Me time. It gave me a goal to get to every week, just get to Friday and we can scrub and lotion and soothe the week away.

I started noticing things come up when I got real still and real relaxed into my tub or shower. I would start to have these big feelings come up, like I kept my pain hidden from everyone else but in my Me time I let myself break. I would cry and feel sad and lonely and scared. I allowed myself to just get it out, and then I felt better. And then I finished the rest of my after shower routine and I felt…good. Weird but I like it.

I felt relieved, at least for a little while. It may have only been a short relief from the constant torment that was our lives at this time, but it was something. It was an anchor, and an investment in myself. I got so excited about it that when work started hitting new lows I set my coworker & best friend up with her own self care kit. I just wanted everyone to experience this feeling it was so new and exciting to me. I loved my Self Care Fridays.