Part 16 The Plummet.

“Every step I take feels lost with no direction, my faith is shaken.” Miley Cyrus in The Climb

Throughout this journey I have discovered that songs would come into my life when I really needed to hear their words, music always an anchor. Little did I know it would become such a perfect communication tool for my future guides.

As the year mark approached I started getting real explosive with my emotions, breaking down at the drop of a pin. I was floundering with no plan and no answers. We kept being fed the same lines, “Your house is coming along great”, “should be done in the fall, or the spring”, “you should come see all the work that was done to your house”. I wasn’t getting any real answers, so I couldn’t calm or rationalize the spiraling thoughts. I needed information I needed answers, I knew at this point people were not being honest about the accumulated costs of the repairs. I started to question whether or not the price we had agreed on would even cover half of what was done. Like typical house repairs once started multiple other problems surfaced, as a result nearly the entire house was completely redone.

I got to a point where I could not wait anymore for answers so I drove out to have a conversation. I could tell immediately that half truths were being shared, the thing about family is information gets around whether you want it to or not. I had already been told a rough estimate of costs but I needed to hear it from the source, I knew that at this point the price we had talked about in the beginning would not be sufficient, not without them taking a hit. I did not want anyone to suffer in this deal. I finally got a straight price…$120,000 over the original price. No longer within our budget, by a long shot.

Don’t get me wrong, even at the elevated price it would have been a steal, but it was still way more than we could afford. I kept it together as best I could and cleared out of there as fast as possible. I got in my car and I fucking broke. Our dream house, the one we waited 4 years for, a house that held sentimental value for me, my last bit of hope, was gone no longer within our reach for escape.

They say healing is not linear. It ebbs and flows with waves that grow smaller and smaller as your healing progresses. This wave was a Tsunami, I was hopeless and drowning in both grief and failure and despair. I was going under and fast. I needed an anchor to ground me and a life raft to keep my head above water. I went straight for my edibles (life raft) and reached out to a friend (anchor). Those two acts alone saved my life that night. I had enough experience with the edibles to know I could always find a silver lining even in the darkest times, I recognize this is not everyone’s experience and I am not blindly recommending the whole world gets really high. Although….maybe? I took 5…on average I would take 2 for sleep and 3 if I was feeling spicy but I went straight for 5.

BEST. DECISION. EVER!

Not only did I collect and ground myself, I found a way to bring humor to our situation. By bringing humor to the surface I was able to look past the devastation and start planning for our future. So high AF on edibles I made Ryan the presentation of a life time, thankfully well documented and posted to my TikTok, I will link below. I ended that night feeling renewed, like I was free from the waiting and had control to make our own decisions. I am so grateful for the choices I made to help myself. I am so grateful to weed for helping me find the will to live. I am so grateful to my anchor and my raft. I am incredibly grateful for Ryan for not only receiving my presentation with enthusiasm and support but loving me through my darkest moments, never losing faith in me.

I waited for him to return home to throw our options at him. Option 1. The Carolina’s I didn’t care I was ready for distance and change. Option 2. Find a New House(in our state) Option 3. Win the Lottery, and do whatever we want.

I even had the dogs vote, Dega and I were outvoted on the Winning the lottery and we settled on finding a new home…immediately.

If you or someone you love suffers from depression or suicidal thoughts please make sure they know they are not alone, they are loved, and they are supported. You never know how those words can change a person’s life.