Part 18 The Bahama Trip

To date this is by far the coolest trip I’ve been on, no offense babe the cruise you proposed on was life changing…this was just a whole different way of travel and experiences unlike any other I had had. I am forever grateful to my sister for inviting me on this trip with her friends and for sharing these experiences with me. I truly believe that experience opened my eyes to a life I COULD live, if I remained here for it.

The entire trip felt like luxury. We stayed in a beautiful Margarita Ville, with the best lazy river and the coolest local bar that offered the best “breakfast beer” a girl could ask for. Then we boarded the Catamaran we chartered, for a week of snorkeling, scuba diving, cool animal experiences, a private chef for three meals a day plus snacks and freshly made mojitos….It was seriously amazing.

Although this was by far the coolest most luxury thing I had ever done it didn’t come without challenges. Mental health doesn’t go away because you are on a cool vacation, but it does dull it thankfully. One of my struggles was my social anxiety, I was great at masking it having worked with the public for so long but meeting new people especially when you are then living with them on a boat for a week was terrifying.

My mood and energy can be greatly affected by those around me. If I spend time and energy in environments that are very negative or hostile it will push my body into depression or deeper into depression if I am already there. It triggers spiraling negative thoughts toward myself. It becomes an internal battle of destroying any good thoughts that came into my mind and tearing me down until I have nothing left. I take on the energy of the room and conversation, and turn it against myself. I am so grateful for the coping skills I have learned to manage this. But it forces me to be careful about where and how my time is spent. My body and mind pay the price for the energy I surround myself with. It took me a really long time to learn that.

Getting on a boat with people you don’t know, with no way off until it’s over was daunting. What if one of them had a shit attitude the whole time? What if they just hated me? What if I get stuck in a dark headspace and cannot get enough space to deal with myself? The thrill of the adventure helped push past the fear and get on that boat.

I am happy to report these people were amazing. Every. Single. One. I can’t say I’m surprised, I have always envied my sisters ability to say what she wants, to stand by her values, and the speak her mind. Of course she had great and amazing friends, she would not tolerate anything less. This is a trait I did not possess at that time or in any of the life prior. If someone was saying or doing something shitty to me, I just took it. I allowed it to pummel and wreak havoc on me, never allowing my true thoughts and feelings past my lips. I remained silent while dying inside. I could not fathom the thought of hurting someone else with my words or actions, not intentionally. I didn’t know how to defend myself, because what if my feelings hurt theirs? I am so grateful I no longer live in that silence. I am so grateful I learned I can be kind and loving AND defend myself, should I need to.

So first anxiety spiral….crushed it. That’s fucking weird, but hell yeah.

I immediately felt safe with these people, and I had my sister and Dad for emotional security blankets. I wasn’t alone. That alone made that trip a huge success for me. All of it felt out of my comfort zone, but this was perfect… I am forever grateful for the people I shared that trip with. For the memories permanently inked on my arm to always remember what that trip did for me and my survival.

Next anxiety challenge, the food. Don’t get me wrong I loved food, enough to have regained about 30/40 pounds of the weight I’d lost by the time this trip happened. I have always loved food, but I struggle with textures and tastes. I have foods that I regularly eat but trying new foods had always been a challenge. I was raised to eat what was in front of you, be grateful and polite and finish the plate whether you like it or not. Being a people pleaser I did this to the best of my abilities, but it only further worsened my aversion to new food. It was a whole body experience when something was gross in texture or taste, like immediately nauseous, want to crawl out of my skin.

So I was concerned that the food would be something I would have to suffer through as it was not a menu we choose from but whatever the chef prepared. I should state there was a form that allergies and preferences and special requests can be made and they are fantastic about accommodating. At this point I didn’t know anything about why I was this way with food, I was just called a picky eater.

Of course anxiety crushed again…the food was amazing, the chef was amazing. To my surprise I wasn’t as anxious about trying new things, and there was plenty I could choose from so I took samplings of new things. Every meal was so good, I was excited to see what he came out with, not scared. Weird and exciting.

Everything about that boat so far had been so fucking cool. I mean this boat had the nets that you can lay on! I got over my fear again, and slept out on those nets under the stars one of the nights. Well I use slept loosely it was louder than I thought, and I was still a bit scared of a jaws moment, and it definitely poured that night but it was fucking magical.

How was that really life. I never imagined I could have experiences like that.