Part 19. Experiences and Fear
I continued to crush my fears on this trip, I managed anxiety after anxiety with relative ease. I found myself taking a nap or reading break in our bunk when I got a bit too “peopled out” and I got to recharge in the sun and the water. I was truly living a dream.
One of the things I came to accomplish on that trip was getting my scuba dive certification. I did all my online learning, and skill practices in a pool but it was time for my open water dives. After completing KPA I knew I could get through the coursework but I was concerned about the gear and skills. I knew that mistakes could be dangerous or deadly not just for me but who I dive with. The pressure felt a bit suffocating. But I was surprised at my comfort level working through the skills in the pool, although there was some anxiety it didn’t debilitate me or shut me down.
I am forever grateful for the response of my dive instructor in the moment I had true panic….30ft underwater in the open ocean.
One of the skills needed to pass a scuba cert is clearing your mask, in my opinion the worst challenge you are tasked with. I recognize the importance of this skill but it doesn’t make me hate it any less. This skill was tested 3 times in my open water dives, the first one I needed to half way flood my mask and clear the water out. Having practiced this in the pool I knew the mechanics of what I needed to do but the fear was kicking in. I ran through the steps in my mind and when cued to start, I got to my task.
I successfully cleared my mask with some minor fumbling, but my air felt hard to pull from my tank. My lungs immediately seized, holy fuck I can’t breathe. I am now slammed with full blown panic, on the ocean floor with a dive instructor I didn’t know well on our first dive together. My chest desperately tries taking in air but my breaths are ragged, I can’t release the squeeze that has taken over my chest. He questions me with the “OK” signal I immediately shake my head no and start desperately signaling up, up, up, up. Please for the love of anything get me the fuck to the surface. I am thankful he responded and took me up. I held on to the panic as he held my arm controlling the ascent.
You cannot rocket from the bottom, you have to control your climb to avoid the damages of changing pressure. I kept taking any sips of breath I could pull from my regulator, air was flowing but it was hard. When we finally break the surface I rip my regulator out and start gulping down air.
Relief floods me as I catch my breath and explain what happened. He tested my regulator and it was still functioning, but required stronger pulls to flow the air. I have later learned this isn’t uncommon, that it is a way to preserve your air supply. He had me try my back up one, and the flow of air was easier, more like regular breathing. After a few minutes testing it at the surface, we descended again to complete the first test dive.
I am beyond proud of myself for realigning and grounding myself, while treading water in the middle of the ocean and having the courage to try again.
With the mask task over and my breathing easy again, we continued our dive. It was incredible. I still did not feel safe or comfortable but the views were worth it. I got out feeling so good, until the embarrassment and guilt and shame hit. I immediately started making jokes about my panic moment before retreating to shower and hide in my bunk. I started to spiral in that bunk alone. How the hell was I supposed to clear that mask two more times.
I started getting anxious about when my next dive would be. I knew this next dive would include a full mask flood task and it was weighing heavy on my mind.
We were experiencing some weather so we did other cool experiences until we had clearer weather to dive. We got to snorkel and visit Pigs and Iguanas, swam with sea turtles. There were so many incredible experiences mixed into the fear, it helped significantly.
Dive two came and I was really getting worried, I ran the steps and tried to remain calm. As I geared up and went over the plan with my instructor I did something I normally would not, especially to a stranger. I told him I was anxious about the mask, I asked him if we could breathe at the surface for a few moments until we descend. He agreed without hesitation… holy shit did I just advocate for my anxiety and it worked? That’s fucking weird, but what a relief.
I got my shit together and went down, mask first to get it over with. Full flood of the mask and clear it, that was my task. I fought my way through it, finding myself floating forward struggling to keep steady to get it cleared. I finally clear, it panic already rising. When my chest starts the panic gasps for breath, I can feel myself losing it again. I get the “Ok” question and I shake no and reach out and grab his forearms and just hold myself still. I am trying hard to get my breathing under control and the panic to subside so I close my eyes and start stating things I knew to be true.
“I am able to get breath, my equipment is working.”
“If I need to get to the surface I can, he will get me to the surface”
“I can feel the air moving through the regulator and through my lungs”
“I am ok, I am not alone”
“I can feel his arm, I can feel the water around me, I can all my equipment meant to keep me safe all in place.”
“I can breathe”
I opened my eyes and I was calm again, after a few more breaths I relinquished my death grip on his arms and gave him to “Ok” and we kept going. We finished with beautifully reinforcing sights of nature and wildlife that filled the dive.
We got back to the boat, and there were all the great people with us waiting to hear how it went, I of course made a joke about the initial panic but that we got through it and saw some really cool shit. Before washing off and heading to my bunk for a think.
Holy Shit I calmed myself out of a full blown panic attack while 30’ underwater. How the Fuck did I do that? How do I keep doing that? Spiral thoughts ensued but this time, they felt like hope. Fucking weird.
