Part 21. Searching
When I got back it was full steam ahead on finding us a new home.
I relentlessly searched, our range was anything within a hour of work for either of us. Right before the trip I went with my Dad to see a house in a town I had never heard of. I had a moment driving through the center of the town the first time I came through that just felt like peace or ease, longing maybe. Weird. I immediately loved this little town, there was not much too it but it was quaint and clean and felt safe. I started narrowing my search to houses in Monson.
“Beggars can’t be choosers” was a common phrase I heard growing up that fits how we felt at this time trying to find a house in our budget, that would pass a first time home buyers inspection. If we had started our search pre-Covid we would have had ample choices that fit within our modest budget. Not now, what we were seeing was scraps.
The first house we put an offer in for was I small house with 9 acres of land, we thought we were hitting the jackpot…minus the super intense cat pee smell that hit you with the door open, and the weird potentially impaling pieces of rod iron bar sticking out of the basement floor. I still feel bad for that realtor who had to host that open house, she was mortified. After the open house I called our incredible realtor and we immediately got started. Denied. Cat pee house denied us because they “didn’t want to work with first time homebuyers”.
Are you kidding? We are literally the easiest people to deal with?! And that’s still a lot of money for that house! We were so motivated and so willing we sent a great offer and still it was a no.
The clock was ticking for us, it was already August kids were going back to school, holidays and winter approaching fast in New England. We knew our odds of finding something before spring was dwindling. Desperation started to really take over and I was becoming more and more “open” to some of these less than ideal homes. I am so grateful for our Realtor for holding the faith when I was losing it. I swear she saved me from some really questionable living conditions, like the one with the weird “attic” crawl space door with the heavy padlocks and creepy vibes, or the really big one that likely needed thousands in repairs, or the trailers.
One beautiful day in August my realtor met me to see a house in Monson. When we walked into the entry I felt ease and peace wash over me. Weird. The house was actually cute! Not creepy or sketchy at all and it didn’t need much work minor things but nothing that needed immediate attention. The perfect first time home buyers house. That night we put in an offer and waited. I refused at this point to get my hopes up, I could not handle the crash if this fell through too.
Our offer was accepted, relief so much fucking relief. I still held my breath though, there were still a million things that could go wrong between now and closing. I couldn’t handle allowing myself to get too invested in this until the keys were in my hand.
Naturally like most closings there were hiccups. Although they stated an intent to accept no offer was official without the paperwork. They missed the first deadline, and were being a bit odd. My heart started to crack but my walls were firmly intact so we continued looking at houses. We found another that would work, but not nearly as cute. We agreed if we did not receive paperwork for Monson house we would put an offer in the other one, the next town over from my parents. My realtor called, they missed it again. I broke down. It felt like dream house all over again, you can have it but not really. We gave one last chance for them to get paperwork or we would move forward with the other. I am so grateful for my realtor and friend for being straightforward about everything, even though it upset me. I was so grateful just to have the information so I wasn’t left in the dark.
Our acceptance came in. Relief again, ok I could maybe start getting a little excited but not too much because it could fail inspection or they could back out, this sale was contingent on the owner finding her own housing. We gave an extended closing date to give the owner time to find a place of her own, they asked for more time and we gave that. This was really starting to feel like dream house…waiting, waiting, waiting, devastation. I tried to remain calm and positive. I started telling our family we at least got accepted, most were thrilled and excited for us. There was one call I was hesitant to make though, I knew the reaction would not be good.
Sure enough they were mad and disappointed. I chose a house too far from where they wanted me to be. It was an hour to and hour and a half away from the rest of the family. I shut down for that call, after I watched the anger and disappointment cross their face I shut down I don’t remember a single thing that was said after that. No idea what my responses were just shut down. How could anyone be angry at me when I just found my life raft? How could that be too far when we were almost in a different state? There was excitement when we talked about the Carolinas, why wasn’t there any joy for this? How could this be bad in any way?
There is a shared trait in empaths and dogs, we may hear your words but more than that we watch for behavior and action, for changes in facial expressions and emotions. We feel the energy changes that not everyone else can feel. You could be spouting the greatest nonsense ever, but we see what those words are really saying with the actions and behaviors that follow it.
“I’m happy for you” no, you are not. I can see it all over your face you are absolutely not. It’s in this difference of communication that translations are lost. It’s in this disconnect where we struggle, we are seeing a different truth than we are hearing. How do you bridge that gap so understanding can be heard the same all around?
My heart broke again, I could not understand how hearing this did not make them feel happy for me that my situation was improving. But I didn’t give them what they wanted from me and I made them upset. Cool, I am always letting someone down it seems can’t say I’m surprised here.
The more I think about it, I wonder if this is what dogs experience when there is inconsistent information in the home. For example jumping, when one person allows it and another person reprimands do they feel this inner conflict? I am happy, but now you are mad at me and I don’t understand? I didn’t think I did anything wrong?
