Part 20. Barracuda Cuddles
My last and final dive for mask skills was fast approaching and anxiety was overwhelming me again, I laid in my bunk and visualized the process over and over and over. I felt as ready as I could be for this.
This time when we were going over plans I got a smidge more confidence and asked my instructor to keep a steadying hand on my shoulder when I was removing my mask to keep me from falling forward too much. Thankfully, that did not break any test rules and down we went. I ran through the steps over and over, as we made our way to a clear spot on the ocean floor. I got settled kneeling on the ocean floor, he gave the signal and put his hand on my shoulder. I took a deep and easy breath and removed my mask completely, put it back on my face with only minor fumbling, then held the top down while tilting the bottom out and exhaled as the bubbles cleared the water from my mask. When the water was gone I resealed my mask and gave the “ok” and we ascended.
Beaming, I was fucking beaming as we made our way to the surface. I crested the water and fucking celebrated I made that mask task my fucking bitch. I had successfully completed my scuba certification. And I got my first taste of truly managing my anxiety, and I was hooked. Wild.
When we got back on the amazing people on that trip celebrated with me. It felt amazing, I felt amazing. I needed more of this feeling, this confidence to overcome. This thrill for life and experiences, new experiences. That’s weird, new things kinda freaked me out before.
As we chatted about how it went, my dive instructor shared with us my barracuda story…
My dive instructor painted the picture for us all. I was kneeling, his hand on my shoulder when I removed the mask. He was facing me but at my side keeping eyes on the others. As soon as my mask came off his attention was drawn to the barracuda that had swam up on us. Barracuda’s are attracted to shiny objects and can be particularly aggressive or territorial from what I’ve heard. He likely was drawn to one of the D rings on my BC. So as my instructor held my shoulder keeping me steady, he was also attempting to frighten off this curious Barracuda. I am forever grateful for him having my back, literally.
I have permanently inked the memories on my arm as a forever reminder of what I gained on this trip. Including Barry the Barracuda, on the backside of my arm forever sneaking up on me.
I learned so much from this trip and experienced so many positive things. I don’t want to consider what this trip would have felt like had I not recovered from that first panic, or if any of the other conditions had been different. I hated how easily I could be thrown into that spiral by factors out of my control but on this trip all the stars aligned and it was life changing.
As the trip came to a wrap two more things happened that left a lasting impression on the course of my life. First I got stung by a bee, the second I got a little too celebratory on our last night out.
What does a bee sting have to do with life? Well it had to do with another shift in thinking. As I stood chatting up our Captain (Who was the most kick ass lady captain ever! And her engineer was her sister) I was stung in the hand, not my first and I am not allergic. She asked about allergies which I of course said no. Suddenly panic started rising again, I retreated to my bunk where my chest started heaving and tears started rolling fast. Thoughts started spiraling…
“What if I have developed an allergy”
“What if I can’t get to help in time”
“What if this kills me”
I calmed my thought with logical thoughts about epi pens and life flights and took as many deep breaths I could manage. When I calmed I realized there was something different about these spiraling thoughts. It wasn’t thoughts of shame and despair but thoughts of wanting to be ok and being afraid I would not be. I have heard stories of people on the edge or have made an attempt at their life and their survival of that experience triggers a drive to change and continue surviving. I wonder sometimes if my panic under the ocean, after the low point I had hit was that moment for me. Life changed for the better after this trip, life became more and more important after this trip. Not all at once but bit by bit the desire to survive became stronger and stronger.
As I wrote that I could not help but think of dogs in a rescue or abuse situations, shut down until their moment to come alive again when given a chance and the right circumstances. Having worked with dogs for so long I have seen such a lack in understanding of the dog and what the dog experiences. There are many warriors out there spreading this word, but bad information is still overwhelming the internet. Dogs are so much more emotionally intelligent and sensitive than they are often given credit for.
Ok, now for the celebration! I was told recently that I am sharing too much personal shit in this blog, and for a moment I considered it and whether I should leave this out but turns out I don’t agree with that statement. Wild.
On the last night out it was tradition to go out for a drink with the crew, it was only the second time we had WiFi or signal since boarding the catamaran. When we got to the bar I was super focused on catching up on what I missed and find out if Ryan had been successful on finding our home. My mind getting prepared for the next challenge. He had not been successful in finding our next home but I was almost excited by that. I wanted to be part of the process.
I should state I am not really a drinking kinda gal, I’m not likely to say yes to an invite for a drink out but in special occasions I can get on board. After some goating from my new boat friends, I joined in for shot roulette. Shots turned into going to another local bar for more drinks. We…indulged…generously. I had so much fun celebrating with these people. I felt safe with these people, in a foreign country, while overly indulged, without my security blanket people. Wild.
I truly believe this trip was a gift from the universe. A gift for making the right choice then several right choices after that. This trip gave me a sense of hope and renewal. I am forever grateful for this trip I cannot say that enough.
