Part 25. New year, New Challenges & New Changes
Picture this, it’s January 1st, 2023 you have just quit your job. Have a brand new house, a brand new business you will be opening in a week and you have an entire week off to do absolutely nothing. And a cruise booked a few weeks out for you and your Hubby’s birthday. Life couldn’t get better…except I got so sick. I had a horrible head cold that started the last night of my employment and lasted my entire staycation. I am so grateful for that time off to rest. I fucking needed it. To this day I believe it was all the toxins leaving my body, it was not Covid. I have no doubt we were breathing in some bad shit and we were not taking care of our bodies in anyway that was healthy.
By the time we left that job I had a 3-4 energy drink a day habit and started drinking soda again, lived off take out and fast food and snacks, I had regained at least 40 if not 50 of the original weight I had lost. I was not exercising with intention, only movement due to an active job...I am so grateful for that. It was time for some changes.
We started off strong in our business. We loved the freedom and the nature, we did so much hiking and exploring. Those hikes healed us. We needed all that nature to start putting our souls back together. We both were so burnt out. We worked so hard for so long for the dogs in our care. Even when things are rough, we stay for the dogs. We endure for the dogs, we keep going for the dogs. When you have seen the dangers from the inside, you struggle to let go of the dogs you come to love because you know not everywhere is safe or healthy. You know there are loads of businesses that are doing things for the money and not for the safety and the care and wellbeing of the dog. By leaving we had to put trust in others to keep the dogs we grew to love so much safe, and healthy. That takes a toll on you, not just the leaving but the enduring less than favorable conditions solely because you did not want to let down or let go of the dogs that make their way into your heart. I’ve overstayed many jobs for this reason, it weighs on your soul.
A couple weeks into our new business I was to leave for a cruise Ryan had planned. I was apprehensive to leave behind our new business and my partner alone to handle it without me, but the trip had long been paid for, there were no refunds, and I needed a true vacation. So off we went to my very first Ship Rocked.
If you are not familiar with Ship Rocked, it is a cruise for Mental Band Fanatics to come together for an entire week of mental concerts. I shit you not it’s like a Metal Palooza. I was not excited…I hated Ryan’s music. It was loud and screamy and just rattled my brain, so why did I agree to go? I’ll tell you why, it’s because this man has NEVER asked for us to go on a vacation before. I have chosen any and all he just goes along with my plan. He was excited about this trip with his best friend, the friend that helped us move and his girlfriend. I couldn’t say no to this, I did complain about it a bit though, the thought of that music in my brain for a week scared me a bit.
As we packed up to leave I was anxious, this trip was full of triggers again. Vacationing with a woman I did not know, a dude I barely knew on I boat I did not feel I belonged on, having no interest in their music, and a wardrobe full of bright colors going into a sea of mostly black.
When we got to Florida the night before the cruise we were to stay in a room all together and head out the next morning to the port. Similar to dogs, females are tricky, female friends are trickier. We aren’t all easy to get along with, I was really anxious about who this woman would be and how that energy would effect me on our trip. When we opened the door to the room, they were already there. I took one look at her and her bright smile and I relaxed immediately. Anxiety trigger one, extinguished. As we all stayed up late and chatted I immediately loved her, she was kind and funny and just such a calming presence. I knew then this trip would be a blast even if I didn’t like any of the music.
Packing for this trip was stressful, I had nothing that would allow me to “Blend in”. Throughout my life I had a deep fear of being “Seen”. It felt incredibly unsafe. Cloths have always been a struggle and a point of tension, one because of the weight and body image issues, but also because I would obsess over what to wear. Not because I was obsessed with my look, but because I never wanted to draw unnecessary attention to myself. I did not want to stand out and open myself up to danger. I constantly checked in with those around me on what they were wearing, never wanting to be over or under dressed I would send pics and ask for recommendations so that I could make it through whatever event. It was bad…Ryan tried taking me out to dinner once, I dressed up and put makeup on and when we got to the restaurant we were two of maybe 6 people and I was definitely overdressed. I panicked through our entire dinner, practically crying into my salad refusing to make eye contact with Ryan for fear of totally loosing it, before nearly sprinting out of the door to leave when we were done to have a panic attack in the car. That’s the thing about fear and trauma, you don’t always know how it will display years later. Who would have thought being dressed up, could cause a panic attack…looking back now I looked really nice, confident me would have felt like a total badass, broken me felt scared and vulnerable.
For this trip I had nothing…I went through everything and picked out anything black and “edgy” I could find. But I was not edgy.
There were long delays waiting to get in to go through security but I took that time to people watch and get familiar with my new environment.
This is something I recommend to so many of my pet parents with reactive dogs, or just for socializing. Go somewhere that people (Or dogs) are and watch from a distance your dog feels safe at. Allow your dog to watch and observe people(or dogs) doing normal people or dog things. Always at a distance where there is no reaction or anxiety, under threshold. This allows them to have neutral non scary experiences, and watch behavior. Dogs are body language readers, let them read.
People that have experienced trauma or unsafe environments often become body language readers too, especially people pleasers. We learned to read the emotion and behavior of the people around us so we can adjust our behavior to remain safe, deescalate or defuse tension, or become nearly invisible. Expert people pleasers can “become” anyone, we can expertly adjust our behavior or perceived personality to what appeases those around us, this ensures our safety through likability. We learned being ourself was never safe, be someone else.
As we waited, I started reading. I watched people interacting, I looked at their mannerisms and looked for immediate signs of danger. What I found was a stone cold pack of weirdos…I secretly fucking loved it. The people were quirky, there were some displaying anxious behavior, but generally they just looked stoked to get in despite the wait. People got annoyed here and there with the wait but in general people were happy and friendly, no immediate dangers or threats.
When we got on the boat, the energy was electric. It buzzed over my skin, I felt a weird unexplained acceptance there I had never experienced before. Wild. It was thrilling. As we weaved through the sea of black and gages and piercings, tattoos and fishnets I took in everything I could, collecting my data on who I needed to be to survive this new environment I was not at all accustomed to. I can say with complete confidence that this environment was what they tried to warn us about in our Church’s CCD classes. But they had it all wrong, this place was kinda awesome. These people really were not scary at all.
To my surprise, I eased into it smoothly. There was Metal playing the ENTIRE time. Eating breakfast…metal, headed to a bathroom don’t worry metal will be playing, relaxing on the upper deck got you there, a metal concert is happening two decks down. I did need some breaks in our room to escape it, but I was surprised again to realize how much I was enjoying the music and the concerts. That energy is was addicting. The buzzing, the acceptance, the vibe was all right.
