Part 26. Out of the comfort Zone and into the Birthdays.

The party went on and I got braver, bolder and much more comfortable but there were fear triggers everywhere.

In both dogs and humans, when exposed to potential triggers with neutral or positive exposure it chips away at that fear. It creates holes in the fear that we carry, but fear holds a longer lasting effect. To overcome the fear, you must create many neutral and positive experiences to overcome just one bad one. Fear can be delicate and vulnerable to work with. If a neutral experience goes awry it can set you back sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. I feel as though this is why so many people just avoid the things that scare them, it’s too risky or too scary. Or you just don’t know where to even start to work on it.

I did my best to overcome my fears, usually though what drove me to overcome a fear was simply the presence of another more pressing fear. Being a people pleaser, my biggest fear was not pleasing those around me. The deeper rooted fear under the people pleasing, that I was not lovable or worthy unless I was of use or service or entertainment. If I couldn’t be fun or interesting or helpful, I wasn’t lovable and no one wants to love a sad girl.

I handled the fears as they came and pushed myself when I could. I got braver with my cloths and on one particularly brave night I decided to go for it and wear a lace bodysuit to one of the concerts. It was late at night, so nice and dark, and I wore a jacket over it despite the warmth but I wore what would have earned me a “slut” comment growing up for sure. It also would have received many comments about my body not being “right” for this type of attire. It would have been shamed. It was ok for the skinny girls but chubby girls should wear more layers, that was always the lesson received. Until now. I was terrified wearing that out of our room and spent much of the time hiding in my jacket. But I did it, I wore it anyway and not a single person on that boat made a comment, no one cared. Except Ryan, who was supportive…and not complaining about the cleavage he could stare at. The people were happy, they wore all kinds of cloths in all kinds of shapes and sizes and no one gave a single fuck…if they did it was not sensed or felt or heard.

Wearing this skimpy outfit put a small crack in the fear that was my clothing and body image issues. This boat gave me the confidence to try to wear things I had been avoiding due to fear. I wore tops I had bought but never worn, and wore them with mild confidence. I stopped hiding so much when I had these outfits on. When you spend 7 days seeing badass beautiful ladies of varying body types walking around in only pasties, suddenly your shirt seems way less important.

So much growth happened for my confidence on this trip. I am so grateful Ryan for asking for this trip.

I can’t say the trip was perfect, but it was pretty close. Birthdays had become a struggle for me the last few years. It used to be my favorite day, the day where it was about me and only me. I didn’t people please, I didn’t need to do anything I didn’t want to do it was my day…my break from anyone else’s stuff. The last few years though my birthday had become a constant disappointment, I couldn’t fathom asking to be celebrated the way I wanted to but then when there was no plan or it wasn’t what I hoped for I would break my own heart.

My birthday started out fantastic, we were ported at the beautiful island of Grand Turk. We day drank frozen drinks and explored. We went on an island tour that brought us to a spot to feed donkeys…$.50/carrot I gave Ryan a $10 and he brought me 20 carrots. I was in heaven loving on these mostly feral donkeys giving them all the carrots they wanted. My birthday was feeling really, really special. The day was going beautifully and I was surrounded by great and amazing people.

We got back and started getting ready for the evenings concert, my birthday on the ship started to go down hill, just following the group instead of choosing to do what I wanted and I started to crack. I got triggered by a really small gesture of being left behind briefly and I started to spiral. I walked out of a concert and went to walk the boat by myself. I needed space to breathe and calm down. I felt so unimportant. I knew that wasn’t true but the feeling was overwhelming, my birthday didn’t matter and neither did I. This is fear. When it starts, it can become all consuming and irrational. I had been celebrated all day, I had great experiences all day. One small gesture and fear consumed me, even in writing this the fear was easier to recall then all the joy that happened within that day.

Dogs are not different, a great training session building neutral or positive experiences can be tanked by a trigger or going over threshold. Fear is more powerful than joy when fear is more common and joy is harder to come by.

I walked the boat trying to get this feeling to leave, when I passed by someone smoking some weed on the lower deck. Not usually one to speak to strangers I walked by and said “That smells great” as I passed. To my surprise they called back that they would share…I do not recommend taking random weed from strangers in foreign places but it honestly helped. Thank you kind stranger for offering weed not laced with anything…

I started to calm immediately, I found a lounge chair on a quiet part of the deck and just sat and stared at the stars thinking. To my surprise my new friend showed up with a pitcher and we spent the rest of the evening chatting and laughing. I felt so much better, I wasn’t left alone in my feelings and she cared enough to find me. I should add that there really was very limited ways for us to communicate, she didn’t find me by accident she found me because she was looking and wanted to. That did not go unnoticed in my little broken heart.

When I went to bed that night I knew I needed to either take control of my birthday plans or learn to communicate my wants and needs, I knew it was not fair to anyone to be disappointed in birthday plans when they didn’t know what it meant to me. Many people don’t see value in birthdays and many likely didn’t feel the way I did about mine. I am grateful for the ways I was celebrated and loved on for my birthday, any disappointment in how my birthday went is on me and no one else.

Our trip concluded and I learned and grew so much. I again tackled fears and anxiety I did not feel prepared to handle, I left with new perspectives and experiences and ideas and new friends. I am so grateful for this trip and all it gave to me and the memories and a new appreciation for metal I never expected.

When we got home I was surprised again, my best friend who had spent the week taking care of our dogs had left me birthday surprises and messages. I felt seen and loved. This particular friend has always had the ability to make me feel seen in the worst of experiences. This woman was literally willing to crawl under a dirty bathroom door to help me when I was too unwell to get up. This woman was and has continued to be one of the most solid lifelines in my life. An anchor unlike any I had experienced. This woman can absolutely take credit for a huge part of my healing and in finding who I am today. She is owed way more than a paragraph of dedication that’s for damn sure. This friend showed me unconditional love and support unlike any I had experienced. She validates my feelings and experiences and shows up even when she is fighting her own battles. I am eternally grateful for you Friend. Thank you for making my return home special and for just loving me.