Part 29. Habit Change…
Did you go read it? How about now? Don’t like reading self help books? Try the audio version…that’s what I did. In my business driving was a very large part of my day and when I got home there was ten thousand other things to do. So why not use that time to continue to trying to figure my shit out, and maybe throw in some fun smutty ones in here and there too…
As I made my way through Atomic Habits, I felt a sense of hope that maybe I could have successful habit change. They say do something for 30 days it becomes habit, that has never been my reality. I journaled religiously for 8 months, missed a day and then didn’t journal again…at least not consistently. But the way it was described in Atomic Habits gave me hope that you build it into your life in slow progressive steps so it just becomes part of your life not a chore on your to do list.
Want to start a gym routine, start by putting your workout cloths on around the house. Then commit to going to the gym for 5 mins and leaving. Slowly build on that habit to reach your goals. Seems simply enough, I could do that!
Then it hit me…omfg its SHAPING. Shaping in dog training is taking a goal behavior and breaking it up into tiny achievable pieces to get your dog to the goal behavior. This book just translated shaping into human behavior change.
Shit…I SUCKED at shaping. By far my least utilized tool in my training toolbox. In the training world I am considered a “lumper”, such a sexy term ain’t it! What that means is I struggle to break the behavior down small enough, the result: messy behavior with lots of confusion for the dog and often frustration for both of us. Its why I NEVER shape, unless I have to. Now I was supposed to shape myself? Fuck.
Realizing that immediately overwhelmed me, my hope turned sour. I had a history of failing at shaping and failing myself, I felt nearly defeated before I got started. I set both the book and the habits to the side for a minute to wrap my head around what I needed to do.
At this point, I was getting overwhelmed by work, by changes and by Rowans intense anxiety challenges. How the hell was I supposed to do all this? How was I supposed to heal myself, change my behavior, grow and develop my business, and help Rowan? I was drowning, I had a direction I knew I needed to go but it seemed so daunting.
My mental health had made progress but I still had so much to go to feel any real happiness or stability.
I remember the night I decided to switch to smokable weed from edibles. I got home and was so amped, I was so anxious and emotionally unregulated, and beyond overwhelmed. I paced my house for more than an hour and a half. I could not be touched and I could not be interrupted so I just paced and paced and kicked my legs out. I felt like ants where crawling in my skin and that if I stopped moving I would implode.
It was late at that point and I knew that if I took an edible it would take too long to work, and due to how late it was I would likely feel groggy in the morning and struggle to get up in the morning for work, which was already a problem. I rode out the feelings and decided I wanted something that would be faster acting than the edibles. Smoking had never been my “thing” but I had used it to stop my pacing before and it worked almost immediately.
I know someone will read that and think or even suggest meds, and although I am in no way against proper medications, they were not right for me. I did not feel “good” or “myself” I was at best numb, at worst it deepened the dark thoughts that almost took my life. I wanted a solution that was not so chemical, having seen the negative effects of these meds on people I cared about. I knew I wasn’t for me, not long term.
The next day after work I bought some pre-rolls, it was late fall and I took a Cato board (a dog training platform) out on my front step and lit it up. I remember breathing in and out in the fresh air, I felt calm and relaxed. I realized immediately that I loved this, not so much the smoking itself but the taking a moment for sitting outside and breathing and I loved the effects of the weed. When I was done taking my time outside I suddenly felt recharged enough to finish the rest of what I needed to do. It gave me a second wind to go in and try to help and support Rowan, whose anxiety and OCD behaviors were reaching an all time high. When you struggle with mental health and are also the caregiver of a person or pet with similar struggles it gets really taxing and overwhelming.
From that first day it became routine, get home take care of dogs immediate needs then outside for my “Me” time. It became my life raft, that time to myself in the brisk air. It didn’t take me long to realize I created a habit/routine that I actually loved and looked forward to. I started to question it, what was it that I loved most about this routine? Was it the weed? The outdoors? The moment to myself? All of the above?
I wasn’t sure but one thing I knew about dog training was to be observant, you cannot fix a behavior you don’t know enough about. I knew I needed to learn more about my own behaviors and habits and routines if I ever expected to fix or change them. So from there I became my own case study, I was going to study myself in the hopes I can help not only me but Rowan…
