Part 28. The session to end all sessions…
After that ceremony I knew I needed more information, I started paying closer attention to any pull feeling and tried to run with it. I kept in close contact with my friend and guide, running loads of questions by her and sharing my wins. She recently had completed a program on alternative healing modalities. We scheduled a session together using a modality she felt would be a great jumping off point for me, I was nervous and excited for what this would open up for me.
She asked my body some questions, she instructed me to pay attention to what comes up and share that information with her to record. At first, the images that came through didn’t really make sense to me but I shared them anyway. As we continued my body became more clear with the images. It showed me a dark hole, what I used to describe my depression, the hole felt never ending. I got images of lock and key, there were so many things I was keeping locked away from my conscious brain in an attempt to keep me safe.
She asked my brain, my gut and my heart. I continued to get images of dirt paths, expansive fields, and a tree. A tree that reminded me of Avatar but realistic like we would find in this world. I reached a locked and chain in the imagery and it fell away as I continued on this dirt path. The phrase “get to the end” played over and over in my mind, I turned to see Ryan standing behind me, hand on my shoulder. A wall around my heart crumbled, I felt it fall away. The wall I rebuilt during our traumatic stay at my parents house, was gone. I felt lighter instantly. I felt relief and so much love Ryan grabbed my hand and I stepped forward in the imagery. The phrase “even if he isn’t right there, he’s always there for me” came through.
I had an image of a heart shaped door opening, through it the same path. Phrases like “get ready to climb”, “keep following the path” and “follow the path, make it to the tree” came through my conscious. Images of tying shoes, readying for a journey, strength and endurance came through. Then I got images of the ocean, and felt really cold, “follow the call to water, release and cleanse.”
During this session I released huge waves of emotion. Like tidal waves they consumed me until they ebbed away before another wave would hit. Never, in all my therapy had I felt so much. I realized then why traditional therapy hadn’t worked for me before, I communicated in images and no one ever asked me what I saw only what I thought or felt. I didn’t know how to feel, so I intellectualized the trauma…but I had never felt the trauma that’s what was stuck. Showing emotion was not safe, so I tried my best not to burden anyone with my emotions. Instead I bottled them, seeing only the overflow and that needed to change.
I remember during the year I did EMDR, my therapist would ask me to recall the moment and what I felt during it. I could recall the moment the image was clear, but I could not recall the feeling because I never allowed myself to feel it. So when we would talk about it after, I felt ok mostly don’t get me wrong I would cry when I spoke about it initially but I didn’t realize how surface level that was, until now.
That one session was more effective and helpful than the YEARS I spent in therapy. I suddenly knew how my brain and body wanted to communicate with me, in pictures and images to help me piece together my own personal puzzle. I felt for the first time I had a real direction to go.
As I recall and record this, I am amazed at the synchronicities that have come from those images and words in my life today. The tree that reoccured in my imagery, its in my fucking front yard…you would think I would recognize it as my own tree, but no…not until now when I have spent Hours and Days sitting by that tree staring at it working my shit out.
I am so grateful for the growth I gained from that one session. I never again had another session, but I don’t think I needed it. I now knew the language I needed to help my body release what it was holding, to open my heart and allow the healing to occur.
I still had no idea where exactly to go from that session, they say when you are in alignment the path disappears because you are creating your own. My path was gone but I just started trying anything that seemed like a good direction to go. Starting with one of the greatest habit change books ever to be read or audio booked, “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. If you have not read it, and you want to change your life…run don’t walk to your nearest book seller.
