Part 30. Changes
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The more I committed to these ceremonies the more I noticed changes in my life. The more frequently I was experiencing those episodes. I also noticed tiny wins everywhere.
For as long as I could remember I would rip my nails off, never cut but peel and rip. They would get painfully short in times of stress and low points in the depression. I thought about Atomic Habits and dog training. If I were helping a dog change behavior I would set up my environment to support the changes. So I put nail trimmers in my car, the place I was most likely to peel my nails. Anytime I had the urge to pick them I would trim them instead.
It wasn't long before I realized I had not only stopped the peeling, the urge stopped and my nails started actually growing in length. This may seem like no big deal but that was a habit I carried for as long as I can remember. I did it without thought or intention. It was deeply engrained into me, and by noticing it and redirecting myself to a healthier choice I no longer used that as a way deal with my anxiety. My nails are now longer and healthier than ever. No more sore nail nubs but natural, growing, strong nails.
I started to become really observant of myself. I noticed my quirks, my moods, my words and thoughts. I started to think about how I can start to set up my environment to encourage more healthy swaps, and what else I can change. Hope grows with every tiny win.
I wanted to learn more about behavior change and this woo-woo stuff. It was already making a big difference in helping me become more and more self aware. I was also understanding myself a bit more. One common phrase in the Woowoo would is “words are spells, so watch what you say.”
I knew the words I used on myself were awful, brutal and vicious. I knew I needed to learn to be kinder to myself, I needed to learn to love myself instead of criticize and belittle myself constantly. I started working on the words I said to myself. A therapist I had would tell me to say “cancel that thought” when a negative or self deprecating thought would come in. That was too much so I just used “stop” anytime I caught myself in a self deprecating spiral. My thoughts and self doubt and self loathing ran so deep that it took tons of effort. Some days I said “stop” thousands of times to myself. There were days when I would be so exhausted just from fighting off the thoughts that ran through my head. From the repetitive cycle of “stop”, reframe, and redirect.
The wild part was, instead of beating myself up for needing more rest…I let myself sleep (when possible) without the shame and downward spiral. I did so with grace. I reminded myself that I am creating new neuro-pathways and that is hard work too. Things continued to change for the good…Wild.
