Part 7 AHHHHH, Scary.
Welcome to another page friends, where will the side quests lead us today? No one knows we just let the ADHD flow. Learning to embrace the way my brain processes and vomits information has unlocked the stores of life experiences that brought me to this point. So enjoy the journey, eventually we will get to the punch line or we won’t because the ameba was real. As always I am so grateful you are here, friend.
Pre-assessment day came and I had the option to test that day, and/or the next. I chose to test, I could feel the nerves coming up and I wanted this to be over with. Epic fail. Rowan was just not responding, he was offering different behaviors or just refusing to respond. I felt defeated and embarrassed we looked wildly unprepared to be testing, but I knew this wasn’t our best. Not by a long shot. Thankfully I was allowed to test again the next day. We continued on with the workshop and practices and I settled back down and Rowan started responding beautifully again. Holy Shit, it hit me. “My anxiety affects his response to cues. How the actual fuck am I going to keep the test anxiety at bay to allow him to perform, by tomorrow”.
I spent the drive home spiraling, plotting and planning. How did I help myself, so that I could help him, so that he can help me, pass this fucking test. I slept like shit, but I had a plan.
I started by packing anything and everything I thought I might need, I should add that my two other dogs became helpers to complete portions of the test. I was packing to manage Quinn’s reactivity, Dega’s separation anxiety and the summer heat. Once packed and loaded we hit the road. I put together a killer playlist for the drive, with some serious hype music and got some breakfast on the way. When we arrived I took my time walking each of the dogs, giving us time to sniff and settle into the new environment. Then back in the car until needed.
When my turn approached, thankfully early on in the day, I felt barely any nerves. One could even say there was maybe a small hint of excitement. Rowan and I did our chain and he was brilliant and I was fairly confident? I knew we had passed when we finished, I had many doubts of by how much but I knew we did it. Relief flooded my body that it was over and we most likely not let down Karen Pryor by failing her incredible course.
The other two did really well too, they handled the environment and the strangers with support and we worked well within their limits and comfortability adjusting as needed to keep them comfortable. My oldest boy Dega used to be fearful reactive to strangers, growling and hiding behind my legs, and that day he was working happily with minimal hesitation being away from Mom. He was easily redirected, even with someone he never met before. Quinn, who was also fearful reactive to strangers, reactive to overwhelming environments, and sounds worked with incredible focus not minding what was going on around her as long as she was doing her tasks, with comfortable distance. They were all brilliant.
Our only misstep was in managing the separation anxiety when Dega was not being worked, he ripped the door off his brand new fabric crate…that’s on me for not setting him up for more success but overall I was thrilled with the events of the day. The drive home was in tired, quiet victory…until the doubt started creeping in.
Waiting was by far my least favorite thing in the whole fucking world. Waiting gave time for the seeds of doubt to creep into my mind and spiral me into panic. Thank the Universe for my husband Ryan, he saw my worry and offered to take me out to play a round of disc golf at a course he thought I would like. I agreed reluctantly, only opting to go because I loved spending time with him. What I wanted was to doom scroll my phone in bed until the email came in so this torture could end and I know either way. Damn it, this man knew me way better than I knew myself because I loved the course.
It included the following features: Tiny bridges, running water in various places throughout the course, a friendly course dog AND a wooden plank swing over a stream sturdy enough to hold me and the weight I had begun gaining back. I swung on that swing and he just waited patiently smiling at me, while I enjoyed the best find in the woods ever. Talk about feeling positively reinforced for getting out of my spiral and into nature.
As we made it to the last few holes, I was happy enjoying the day with my favorite human being when my phone dings…an email came in.
Dang Bro, you loyal AF!!! I am seriously grateful and hope you find my tangents and side bars charming and adorable and less get to the fucking point. Either way its either love or its a lesson in wearing patience pants. Good Night for now friends.
With So Much LoVe
Shelby & Ryan & Fur Kids
