Part 11 The Cringe.

Dad, if you are reading this…this is your exit. I would prefer to look you in the eyes again, and I don’t think I can do that if you read about the sex I had in your house, and maybe some shit from high school you definitely don’t know about. Feel free to join us 4 maybe 5 posts out to be safe…

For those in this for the behavior and how this relates to training as Elle Woods said “I’m getting there, I promise”. Feel free to skip this post…or two maybe three. You will catch up no problem. We love and respect you vanilla bitchs. “Prudes are people too” I cannot remember who said that but its a movie…I think.

Everyone else, I cannot promise you I will be as good at writing smut as Sarah J Maas or Brynne Weaver or H. D. Carlton, there definitely won’t be any mHmHhhmmms going in anyones cookie, but I will remind you this is supposed to be a very serious topic…so only a little spice (that may need to be a new book too…I am blessed, with an affinity for exploration) But to get to the light you have to walk through some dark…and awkward. This is your trigger warning.

Growing up in a church that valued abstinence, and waiting till marriage kept the conversation about sex out of the mouths of everyone in the house. Truly flying blind. I did not know how to properly care for her or maintain her it was trial an fucking error. Have you ever singed your asshole with Nair? I have and I can tell you it FUCKING HURTS. Zero out of fucking ten my friends. Days…it took DAYS to walk normal again. I am embarrassed to say it took more than once for me to decide it was in fact not worth it.

Booboo, if you happened to be reading this, now would be your exit. I would like you to look ME in the eyes again. Thanks baby, love you good byyyyeeee. I promise you are totally the hero in the next chapter.

Anyway at the beginning of my sexual journey, I was so embarrassed about being so clueless and so insecure that I accepted whatever invitation was being offered, thankfully not much was being offered and I sure as shit was not confident enough to seek it out. But still, most of my first experiences were just not good. I once got asked if they could make-out with my belly button…at 14. I said yes but still I feel like that wasn’t super normal right? I had not a single idea if that’s what was supposed to happen, maybe he knew what the fuck he was doing idk? He did not and that was gross.

Now that I think of it I got grounded for 2 months over that mother fucker! He called my house phone and left a voicemail stating he loved me, hunny bunny. AFTER I got caught at the kids dance club I apparently wasn’t supposed to be at. That was a genuine misunderstanding but when my Dad was already pissed at me, then found that fucking voicemail, it was all over for me. He was NOT worth that. I should add I wasn’t allowed to date until high school. I did not follow that rule I wanted love asap!

When I turned 16 got my permit and started driving I felt freedom, I could not wait to have that option though it did not stop me from taking the car for a spin...

It would make it easier to see my bf at the time, not that I needed to worry about that he was 23 and could drive himself. Mistakes were definitely made here I recongize that.

I look back at it now and just laugh like “bitch really? He was hinting about a ring, with a 16 year old, you are fucking lucky that man did not ask you. You did not know how to say no yet!” The bullshit was there I absolutely chose not to see it, I was often mistaken for stupid because I was quiet. Like I didn’t completely see through that nonsense about a 3.5 carat CUSTOM pink diamond ring…umm dude really?

I feel a little bad he went about the world likely thinking that it worked. Hahahahahaha OMG I did NOT do him justice.

But I was desperate for affection and love and support I didn’t particularly care where it came from as long as they were nice to me, but not too nice that’s yucky (I totally married the nice guy btw, best decision ever).

He knew all the bullshit to say to butter me right up, not that it took much. The night I met him I let him finger me while two people were passed out drunk on the other sides of us, the cream cheese. I forget the rest of that saying but its something my family always said of the people in the middle. Cream cheese sandwich, cream cheese bagel? I cannot remember but something like that.

Anyway, Dude it was so cringy I knew it was cringy I knew it was gross I just so badly wanted attention. He was offering, so I kept my face poised in my best stripper seducy face as he whispered “I know where you have never been tickled” Omg I’m immediately sorry I wrote that, I just vomited in my mouth. Omg ewwwwwww. I am not taking it out, I promised myself I would leave this shit in because it is authentic to the story so, sorry not sorry my experience is now yours. I wish I could tell you that was the worst but it was not.

Fast Forward like 48 hours we are bf/gf and I am sneaking out to meet him. I was absolutely petrified I will get caught but the need for attention was worth the risk, and the cringe. So I make excuses for where I am not that anyone was paying particular attention. It took less than a week for me to say yes to sleeping with him, it came right after a best friend had lost her V card, I did not want to be left behind more than I already felt. He asked I said yes. At this point I had yet to let him SEE any part of my body without cloths, and I did not intend to change that. I had the lady balls to get this done I just wanted it done he didn’t need to see me to do it.

Growing up with religious body shame and sex before marriage shame and all the shame. I could not fathom the idea of him seeing my body. So I removed my sweatshirt draped it over my legs and removed my pants and underwear. I laid back in the back seat of his Saturn as pulled it through the zipper of his jeans. He never saw me more than necessary and I never saw him. I was told he has a tattoo on his ball sack but I cannot confirm.

My biggest fear was the pain, in order to keep us in line we were told how painful it is and the ripping….I wanted to vomit but I wanted love more. And this meant love right? So I grit my teeth and let him take it from there. It was uncomfortable at least at first but never painful, what was painful was my head against the door and the mosquitoes biting my ass. Thank you spell check for finally finguring out I was trying to spell mosquitoes.

When he was done, he hucked the condom to the woods, rude and gross. I was surprised to see there wasn’t blood, I had always been told there was blood the first time. It didn’t feel like any tearing just discomfort. Weird.

Definitely did not feel love, most definitely felt gross. That was not even remotely enjoyable, why do people do this? I assumed it got better each time, it did not. More and more unpleasant experiences. None of it felt like love. Weird.

I realize you came to this page for the smut and got a trauma dump but trust the process my friends, this is a marathon not a sprint. I do promise I gets better a quick page sage and you will have your smut.