Part. 27 Business mixed with a little Magic

When I got back it was back to business. I was excited to get back to the dogs and our new work.

As things went on, we ran into more and more challenges with our business model. The first being the long lines, oh my Lanta, the long lines.  We wanted to give the dogs as much freedom as we could, safely, so we utilized 15 and 30 foot long lines.  The number of times of day that we had to untangle those lines or stop to pull sticks and branches out was beyond overwhelming and super overstimulating.  The travel was ultimately a huge issue, we drove too much and too far for our cars and our profit.  But we still made the most of it and tried to give the dogs cool experiences like swimming adventures and trips for ice cream.

Life did what life does and things got really hard, we had to make more and more changes to accommodate new issues that naturally arise in any business, but more so when your plan was built on desperation instead of logic and reason.  We adjusted and changed and made the most until we couldn’t.  It came to a point where my business partner had to go and follow a different dream.  I continued to work at this one.  I am grateful we are still in each others lives as the sisters we have grown to become.

I needed change, I needed change bigger than I knew how to make.  I felt lost and stuck and drowning again.

I remember a particular breakdown I had, on the floor of my closet, on the phone with my sister.  I was sobbing “I don’t understand, I have my house I quit the toxic job, I love my work despite the challenges…why am I not ok why do I still feel like this?”  I thought I had done what I needed to do to feel better.  I did feel a little better but not good, not happy, not stable or even.

Over the years I have consumed a plethora of self help books, done hours and hours of therapy, tried EMDR, been on medications and off, worked on my self love and I thought I had “Healed” from my experiences. But I never felt better, not truly better not truly happy.

I had been slowly observing the incredible woman, who photographed my death to my 20s photos, as she went on a “healing journey” through energy work. The WooWoo stuff. I had always had a curiosity about crystals and tarot but being raised in the church that was considered witchcraft or devil worship. I remember one particular Pastor that rolled through the church that convinced people that Harry Potter was the devil…what a fucking shame that is. How could a story where good triumphs over evil have devil influence? Because they used magic in this fictional world? That made no sense to me whatsoever, why did anyone believe him? At this time in my life I did not believe in the church or God but the influences we have during development hold on until we intentionally unlearn the patterns that do not fit. I never fell for the Harry Potter theory and continued to watch it regularly like the naughty little sinner that I was. But getting involved in the “real life witchcraft” felt taboo and scary.

I kept feeling this pull, this nagging feeling to reach out to her and just ask her about it. This person I knew well enough to know she wasn’t worshipping the devil, or sacrificing goats or some shit. This person had been safe, and more than that she had told me about the crows and the Morrigan and the significance of that sign during my photo shoot and that felt really good.

So I did it, I reached out and laid my cards on the table for her to see…it was fucking nerve wracking. That is until she answered me, then relief and hope flooded me. She related to what I said, she shared her story and what she has been doing to heal. She told me about woowoo stuff and how it has helped her. I spent the whole day crying, I knew I finally had a direction to try and it felt exciting and new.

A few days later a local place popped up on my Facebook for a Full Moon Ceremony. I felt that pull again, but I was so anxious about it. Not only a new place I’ve never been, but I would need to go alone, and I felt totally out of my element not knowing anything about this stuff yet. I reached back out, and she fully encouraged me to try it. I am so grateful for that push because I got me to sign up and go.

I wanted to crawl out of my fucking skin, drop it to the floor and run the fuck out of there the moment I opened the door. I was terrified, but I looked around and it was beautiful. Yoga mats made a large circle around a stunning display of crystals and dried flowers and herbs. There were pretty candles and great smells, it was calming and not very “Devil worship” to me. When I made it in I was greeted immediately by a super sweet and welcoming woman, who offered me water or cannabis tea.

Yes, immediately yes please drown me in that tea before I have a fucking panic attack.

I calmed and took my seat on my yoga mat. The woman running the event instructed anyone who brought crystals to lay them at the top of the mat to charge in the full moon energy. Not having any crystal I just looked at the variety around me. The sweet woman next to me leans over and places a rose quartz crystal at the top of my mat and said “you can spend time with this one for our session, it’s meant for self love.” I nearly cried then and there, this small act of kindness eased me the rest of the way into the event.

We did a gentle yoga practice, we did a guided meditation, and they explained that for Full Moons we release what no longer serves us. This could be a habit you are trying to curb or a feeling or emotion or whatever you feel is holding you back from becoming your best self, your highest self. She passed around notebooks and let us write out what we intended to release for this moon cycle. Then we tore the page out folded it away from us signifying it leaving us, then we set the paper on fire. We then buried a stick of cinnamon in the sand and burned a bay leaf with our intentions going forward. When everyone was finished we could chose a tarot card for ourselves. I had never done tarot and it was definitely intimidating, how do I know what card to pick?

I made my selection based on a feeling and when I read through the book on its meaning, I fucking broke. Tears came steaming down my face in rapid succession, and people started looking at me.

I pulled the card She Feels, She Knows

The meaning read:

“An Illumination is erupting from within you as a vision that is bringing what was once obscured into clarity. This is not likely to happen as a blinding, shocking insight, but as more of a softer, gentle knowing. It is like knowing something without understanding exactly when or how you came to know it.

This insight will assist you and you are asked to honour it. You will know which insight it is at the right time. Your heart will tell you. You are therefore, being asked to rely upon the clarity that is coming to you now or has just come. Gently, but firmly, from that place of knowing, intend to act and take your next steps forward.”

The fucking pull…..that strange pull feeling I had when I reached out to ask about the woowoo stuff, when I felt called to come to this ceremony. I read on and it only got more intense.

“You are being asked to think in terms of long-term happiness. Sometimes this warrants change or even temporary restrictions in the short term. If you can’t see how the present can possibly become what you sense the future to be, this message is especially relevant. Through the natural process of transformation great leaps are indeed possible. You must simply be prepared to surrender into the process with absolute trust.”

I was shook to my core. I felt like something I was missing just clicked into place, I felt like I found home I didn’t know I was looking for. I felt hope and relief. I felt seen from a deck of fucking cards! This wasn’t devil worship at all this was peace, and I just discovered it for myself. The crying continued as I read the rest and the host came over and wrapped me in a warm hug and just let me feel. She gently questioned what came up for me and I told her everything that had just transpired for me. Her smile was huge and her love and support radiated off of her. I knew then life would never be the same again, it would only be better.