Part 9 Boundaries? Nah, I do what I want.

I am so grateful for my parents for providing us a soft landing between places, finding a place to allow our 3 large dogs, for a short term stay, in our budget was just not feasible. I am grateful we had a place to go, that being said what I share from this story may seem like a contradiction to that statement. At this point in my life, I am leaving the safety of my own home & private space with my little family and moving into an environment where I had unhealed trauma & relationships. I also was still a people pleaser, unmedicated again (that part will be in the book) and things were going downhill at work fast. Shout out to my therapist for working with me through this time, I wish I had been more honest with you and myself during that time, but your guidance stuck.

Ryan and I moved into a small bedroom on the second floor, with a thin wall separating us from my parents. When we first moved in we had twin trundle beds set up, they had the option to raise to meet each other to make a king so that is what we did in the beginning. Our 3 weimaraners shared the room and the beds with us, with floor beds set up also. That took the majority of the floor space after the plastic storage containers we used to fit our cloths, toiletries, dog stuff etc. We brought only small things to “entertain us” in our downtime after work, Ry had his playstation I had my computer and various small crafts, we had what we needed.

Initially it was fine, we got into a routine and I threw myself into work. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to bring all my dogs with me to work everyday which made for a much easier time managing them. We would leave early and be gone for 12 hours returning to the house to eat, shower and sleep primarily. In my days off I would spend them in our room or out of the house.

When I was in high school my parents did foster care for teenage boys that needed safe landing. There was one person that came into our lives and quickly became family. Like anyone coming through the system or involved in the system, there was trauma. When this person entered our life, the family jumped into action to ensure they made it to therapy appointments, medical appointments and anything in between this individual needed. They joined us on every family outing and vacation. They were family. When this person hit a low point in their life, they made choices that caused emotional harm and damage to other people in an act of manipulation. They used emotional manipulation as a weapon to avoid a result they did not want. When it became clear what had happened, suddenly I did not want to be anywhere near this person. They were not safe for me to love or care about anymore.

Years went on and I continued to watch, silently suffering, in the presence of this person. At times I was able to use my voice to share my discomfort and my wishes for no contact with this person. I was told forgive, move on, I was called heartless and that I was not acting how God expected me to. I was shamed for my dislike and distrust of this person, I was told to love them anyway because they had a hard life because they are family. No one knowing the life I had already experienced under their noses, hidden in a classically ideal family. I made my boundaries with this person as clear as I was able as a people pleaser. I stayed as cordial as I could and did my best not to make waves. It was made aware I did NOT want to be hugged or touched in anyway by this person, and I did not allow any contact outside of in person interactions, which I avoided like the plague.

Back to the house, on one unfortunate morning I come downstairs with all dogs in tow (two of which are reactive, thankfully without a proclivity to bite) in my pjs to come face to face with this person. I had successfully avoided them for years… Needless to say chaos ensured as all my dogs lose their bananas barking and running at them, only the oldest having history with them. I quickly shuffle out the door with all of them into the yard. Morning officially ruined. I later found out that this person is there multiple times a week for multiple hours, just waiting so they didn’t have to make two trips out of town. I broke at that information, my already questionably safe landing is immediately not safe.

I made it clear I would never ask them to exclude anyone from their home while we stayed there, we were grateful for the place, but I asked to know when this person would come. I was completely willing to take responsibility for my feelings and make sure I was out of the house or prepared to deal with it when this person was there. For a while it was heard, and I knew when to expect them and I got outta dodge! Wait, did I just advocate for myself? Weird.

Inevitably it happened again, and again, and again. Surprised by them showing up unexpectedly, not being informed of changes to their schedule putting them their on different days etc. I was now angry. I made it clear I was only ever asking to be informed, even if that’s a text “hey, they are on their way” fine, I just needed to know. I received an apology but not much changed. On one particular day I came downstairs to them in the kitchen with my Mom, I do my best to ignore as I collect what I need to head back upstairs…forever a bedroom kid. As my back is turned this person hugs me…my entire body locks and my head is a symphony of “NOT SAFE NOT SAFE NOT SAFE NOT SAFE”

I stand frozen when I hear my Mom say “leave her alone, you know your Sister doesn’t like that” suddenly fear turns to red hot anger, as I remove myself to head to the room. I am not their fucking sister.

The last thing I hear is “but she loves me” and they both share a laugh.

Anger immediately replaced with defeat and I shut down as the symphony played again. “not safe, not safe, not safe”

I started to crack.

Behavior enthusiasts and training junkies, science nerds and everyone in between can you see how this translates to a sensitive or soft dog and how they may experience this? A dog with stronger convictions than myself would have bit them for putting their hands on. I wanted to bite them for putting their hands on me but I did not have the confidence to protect myself yet. I felt like a scared and traumatized dog who’s signals and boundaries were being ignored.